Post by ƒrФ§тƒire on Jul 17, 2008 10:53:43 GMT -5
Yeah, so this was a story I did for fictionpress.com...my account is Wolfcry-Sama. Enjoy!
~~~
I am Saiai, goddess-wolf born of Daichi and Okibi. I am the Goddess-Upon-Land, the one who transcended upon the mortal earth. I lived and died for wolves who would never share the burden I carried.
I wouldn’t have changed a single heartbeat of that time.
When I was born, I was a child and an adult. I knew everything, yet nothing at all. I cried and laughed in the same moments. I was a monster, a freak, a being that should never have been born onto my mother’s earth. Yet I was alive, a true creature of flesh and blood and bone. I resembled my mother’s beauty, my father’s power. I had gifts unbeknownst to all before me, powers the like of which none had witnessed before. I was both wolf and human, shifting forms whenever it pleased me.
I was a being that only a mother could love.
Daichi did her best to shelter me in my first year of life. As all wolves do, I grew into adulthood fast. In my second year, I left her warmth and comfort, into the world lashed by my father’s fierce storms. He was angry because Daichi had born him a child he had not desired. He was angry because of me.
I chose to be isolated from wolf packs.
At first, my elder half-brother Kohaku—a hybrid of god and regular wolf blood, who had joined a pack of “outside” wolves—had tried to take me in. I’d sought his companionship at first, but I was unwanted. Kohaku did his best. He was a loving brother, one who was so kind to me despite the obvious hatred of his pack. Although I was far more beautiful than any she-wolf of the earth, all of the regular, or “outside” wolves sensed my power and resented me.
Before long, Kohaku challenged the alpha male. My brother was a kindly, peaceful wolf, although he was larger and stronger than any of the “outside” wolves. Yet he could no longer stand the cold treatment his leader gave me, and decided it best to remedy it by becoming the alpha. I stopped their fight. I knew, in the bottom of my heart, I had not been meant to live among them.
So I left. A loner.
I had not been loved, but the reason why escaped me. I was a supreme hunter. I bent the world to my will. I was stunningly good-looking. Still, male wolves kept their distance. I knew that I longed for a mate, and I knew I could create one if my desire was strong enough. I didn’t, however. It was not worth it, for even if I created a male wolf, he would never desire me. I would only appear selfish for creating him.
I punished myself. I walked alone. I hardly ever rested, and I refused to eat. I would not hunt. My fasting went on for almost a month when my beloved mother, Daichi of the Golden Earth and Ocean, came to walk beside me for a single full moon.
“Saiai,” she whispered, a deep, melodic voice that tugged at my heartstrings and filled my muscles, weakened by starvation, with strength from a reservoir I didn’t know I’d possessed. “My daughter. Why do you wish to die?”
“I am a monster. They all hate me. I am a goddess that cannot find the life she wishes.”
Daichi looked up at the moon, a thoughtful expression in her golden eyes. “I love you, and your father does as well, although he may not show it. I cannot stand passably as you fade away from being. I can curse you to an eternal life, like the one I have endured for centuries. Is that your wish?”
I lowered my head, flattening my ears. “Nothing could make me want to become immortal. Nothing in this whole world. I want to fade away, Mother. Let me go.”
“It is not your time yet. Okibi and I know this. Your time is coming, dear Saiai, and sooner than you think. But until then, you must live. You must be well.”
“How? When they all despise me so?” I implored her.
“Not all. There is one who is meant for you, Saiai.”
My father, Okibi of the Blazing Sky and Fire, is the great male god, the one every male wolf calls to in their times of need. He was the one who wanted me dead, the one who hadn’t intended for my birth. He had always feared I would overthrow him. Yet as my depression grew, crippling my heart and my will, he relented slightly. The storms stopped, and the sun began to warm the world. When you are sad, overwhelmed by sorrow, you no longer dreams. Dreams are power in this world. I can dream many things in and out of being. But if I cannot dream, then I cannot call myself a threat.
Okibi knew that. He let up, and the wolves on earth rejoiced.
Daichi left me after she’d made sure I had hunted and eaten like a proper wolf. The next morning, I threw back my head and let forth a long howl.
The wolves of the area knew it was me as soon as I’d let my cry go with the wind. Yet for some reason—some miracle—they responded. It was a young male, about three years old, who started the return call. Next was a she-wolf, around the same age as the male, and then the wavering call of the omega wolf. The alphas, male and female, let out a regal scale.
They wanted to meet with me.
I met with them.
The alpha female spoke first. She was a lovely amber wolf with pale green eyes and a sweet, soft voice. “I am Amaya,” she introduced herself. “You are Saiai, no?”
“I am Saiai.” My reply was curt. I wanted them to attack me and get on with their lives.
“The Goddess Upon Earth. I am deeply grateful you took the time to speak with us,” the male alpha replied. “My name is Ryoku. Amaya is my mate, and this is my son, Koishii.” The tall male wolf, the one who’d answered my howl first, bowed his head slightly, his eyes darting away as though he were embarrassed. He was quite handsome. Ryoku continued, introducing the young she-wolf Sora, who they’d found abandoned as a newborn. The omega was a thin, wiry black male with an extremely long, feathery tail called Teiru.
Amaya spoke then, once his introductions had come to a close. “Saiai. I wish to offer you a home, since you have none. I’ve known for a while about you, how you have no family here. Once I walked the same path you did—without the whole ‘goddess-upon-earth’ thing. But I know how it feels and I don’t want any wolf to ever—ever—feel that way. Not again.”
I lifted my tail slightly, trying not to raise it at to point that would appear threatening towards Ryoku and Amaya’s leadership. “Your heart is wounded still, Amaya.” My eyes drifted closed, my muscles falling slack. I couldn’t help but let my mind meld with hers, finding the old words that smoldered in her heart, the feeling of abandonment and pain.
She felt my presence immediately, but didn’t fight it like the others. “Yes, lady Saiai.” Her eyes closed and our two heartbeats beat as one. Overwhelming hatred and agony filled my mind. I soothed it with kinder words and forgiveness. Her mind cried out with fury; I stilled that rage and replaced it with relief.
Amaya’s mind slipped away, healed. Only the faintest of scars tainted her heart. She gave me a look full of gratitude, her eyes filling with tears. “My lady Saiai…”
I stood still, waving slightly on the spot, as my strength took a moment to return. My eyes were barely open, but I knew that the whole look pack was staring at me. It wasn’t a bad thing, however. They weren’t glaring or sneering. They were amazed, awed, grateful. I stood up straighter. “I apologize for the uncalled-for healing,” I said respectfully, fearing I’d crossed the line.
Amaya lowered her tail. “No, Saiai. That was the kindest thing any wolf has done for me, next to my meeting Ryoku.”
Koishii gave a grin, bearing his teeth at me in a kind way. “I am honored that you aided my mother.”
“I am honored you wish for me to join your pack,” I replied graciously, thanking my mother silently. She had been watching over me, after all.
The next day dawned gray, the air scenting of rain. I noticed Koishii had left; my mind swept over the area and picked up his heartbeat. He was hunting, most probably. I left him to it. Amaya and Ryoku were sleeping soundly. When I stood up, the omega’s head jerked upward, eyes flashing.
“Teiru,” I murmured, nodding my head.
“Lady Saiai,” he spat in return.
I raised my tail slightly. “That kind of honor is not necessary any longer, Teiru. I am just a wolf.”
“A deity. Why do you even bother here? What is your purpose?”
My eyes widened with his last words. They echoed in my mind, scalding hot as they seared through my defenses. What was my purpose? Here, in this mortal world, I was out of place. I’d finally found a home, but not a reason for living. Why? Why was I here, why was I alive? Why did Daichi insist on my staying here? She said that my time was approaching soon, but why couldn’t it be now, as I had no use to this world?
My lips curled back, my maw wrinkling. I turned on the omega wolf. “You are a weakling of this pack, of any pack, and I command you as a Goddess to never speak that way to me again!” His tail went between his legs, his ears pinned back in submission. “I could extinguish your life for your words. I could kill you—right here, right now—and you wouldn’t be able to cry out. Who do you think you are? I am above you. Do not ask me where my place is in this world when you don’t have one high enough to command my actions.”
I turned and stalked away, my pelt burning with anger. Yet the anger was shadowed by another emotion: fear. I was scared…hell, I was terrified. What was I supposed to do here? What was my reason for being alive, when my father hated me and wolves resented me so plainly?
I hadn’t realized I’d gone so far that I’d encroached upon Koishii. He startled me. “Lady Saiai? Good morning.”
I jumped slightly, but recovered myself. “Good morning,” I replied.
“Sorry if I scared you,” he apologized.
Despite myself, I laughed. “Scared? A god?” I replied, lifting my muzzle jauntily and wagging my tail. He caught on quickly and went along with the joke.
“My apologies. I did not realize gods were so fearless,” he laughed in return. “And although you have no reason to fear most wolves, I am the only wolf you should be frightened of.”
“And why is that?”
He rose on his back paws and cuffed at my shoulder. I ducked away, spinning slightly on the wet grass. Koishii was still laughing, panting for breath as he kept attempting to pin me to the ground. “I eat gods for breakfast!” he declared, jumping. I rose to meet him, and for a breathless moment we stared into each other’s eyes; his brown ones locked on mine.
Immediately, we looked away. Wolves do not look directly into the eyes of another to avoid raising the other’s anger. It is seen as a challenge. Yet that one heartbeat held no hostility, no anger or fear. It held something else, an emotion I’ve never had before. I think…no. I know that I felt love then.
I was embarrassed about how I knew I felt toward Koishii, but I couldn’t help but look back at him. He really was a handsome creature, with his brown-gold eyes sparkling in the growing sunlight and slender ears perked forward with mild interest to the rustling leaves around us. His back and sloping forehead were covered with dark gray fur, the rest of his pelt pure white, and his long, feathered white tail hung, perfectly relaxed, by his strong back legs. We stood together, in perfect silence, enjoying each other’s company.
Abruptly, Koishii spoke. “Lady Saiai?”
“Just Saiai. Nothing else. What is it?”
He looked away. “Nothing.”
“No,” I persisted. I wanted to know what it was he had to say.
He lifted his maw, and the watery sunlight illuminated the hairs upon it with silver. “I cannot speak of it, because it would not be right. My apologies that I brought it up.”
“You’re being so formal. Didn’t I warn you about that?”
He allowed himself a small smile. “You did. Sorry, L—Saiai.”
I laughed gently, my tail waving back and forth with the breeze. “Please tell me, or I’ll command you to speak what’s on your mind. You may eat gods for breakfast, but this god bites back.”
Koishii closed his eyes tightly. “Your father, Lord Okibi, would not like it.”
“Like I care. He doesn’t even like me.”
“Fine.” He sighed, steadying himself, and I began to grow concerned. What was it? What did he want to say? “Saiai…I…um. Saiai, you’re really…pretty?” It was like he was grasping for words, like he was terrified to actually speak his mind.
I didn’t push him. The words would come out on their own. “You think so?” I replied, trying to sound easygoing. He thinks I’m pretty? But that’s only because I’m a goddess, right?
“Heh,” he laughed, but it sounded strangled. “Yes, I do,” he told me, his voice firm. Koishii narrowed his eyes, looking directly at me. I met his gaze without fear. Within me, there was the strength to look into his eyes without flinching and reply, “Thank you.”
He opened his maw as if to say more, and I stretched my own muzzle forward, wanting him to speak. Desperately wanting him to say the words I’d wanted to hear for so long. He was cut off by a snarl. We looked around to see Ryoku standing at the clearing’s edge, hackles raised. “Lady Saiai?” he greeted me. He sounded like he was making sure I was intact. Then he turned on his son. “Step back,” he warned Koishii. “Don’t approach a goddess so casually. You haven’t the right to do so.”
Something had changed inside of me. I stepped forward, hackling. “Yes he does. I have no problem with it.” Before I’d met Koishii, I’d never have been so bold as to challenge an alpha. Ryoku immediately saw this as a threat. He jumped, grasping the fur of my throat and throwing me to the ground. I retaliated by sinking my teeth into his left ear, which was closest. My refusal to submit enraged Ryoku, and he bit hard enough for blood to stain my white fur.
He gave a furious cry of pain, falling back. He burned wherever my blood had spattered upon him. Koishii ran forward, his eyes wide with horror. “Ryoku,” he gasped. “Father!”
Ryoku stumbled backward, trying to get away, before he caught his balance. “You call yourself a god, but who are you, Saiai? If your mother is Daichi of the Golden Earth and Ocean, and your father is Okibi of the Blazing Sky and Fire, then who are you? Or are you nothing more than their wandering daughter Saiai?”
The familiar rage woke within me. With all my heart, I wished for Ryoku to swallow his words, to feel the hatred he’d woven within them, feel them burn in his stomach and cry out for my mercy. The alpha made a choking noise. Suddenly he was on the ground, gasping for air but finding none. He couldn’t breathe, but I could plainly hear his mental cries.
I was shaking. My eyes were wide with the realization of what I’d just done to an innocent wolf. I began to back away, my eyes still large with terror and horror. Before I knew what I was doing, I threw my head back and let out a horrible, heartrending howl, one that chilled the blood and halted birds midflight. I knew this because when it ended, I saw the birds around me, fallen from the sky, necks broken.
The tiny, feathered bodies almost formed a circle around Koishii, who stood there, stunned, by the corpse of his father. His thoughts were completely still. He was breathing fast, rhythmically, his pulse pounding far faster than should be possible. Koishii should have been dead.
He was alive.
He turned to me, his red eyes glaring with the heat of agony. I almost stopped breathing because of the intensity of his pain. And then it hit me; his eyes. They were red. They were glowing like live coals.
“Ko-Koishii?” I asked nervously.
Look what you’ve done now, Saiai. Look what you’ve done.
“What?”
Koishii’s mouth never moved. He’s dead, Saiai. He’s mine to command now. Under my leadership, none shall be free. The wolf you loved is within my pack now, and he died with hatred in his heart. He will eternally remember the goddess who he loved more than life. He will remember how you killed him and his father. He will remember how you destroyed his life when he only wanted to be a part of yours. So look, Saiai, and look well. Look at what you’ve done.
“No,” I whispered, my voice breaking. I’d killed both Ryoku and Koishii. Ryoku had adopted me, given me a home for the first time in my life. His mate cared for my wellbeing. Koishii—Koishii had loved me, and I him, and it was all gone now.
I stared at what I’d done, my entire body numb as it shook uncontrollably.
“You’re speaking to me now, Father?” I asked, and Okibi didn’t need to reply. I knew it was him.
You poor she-wolf. So much grief in your heart. Festering and overwhelming. Too bad you snapped at the wrong alpha wolf. Koishii’s lips twitched into a cold smile. But I’d never wanted you anyway, Saiai. So I made you suffer. You were born to suffer. I understand you’ve been searching for a purpose?
My purpose, my reason for living, was to suffer? I hadn’t had a say in my birth, and if I could have controlled it I would have. I would never have been born. It was my father’s fault! He was angry because I was born, which was understandable, but he should never been angry at me!
And then it hit me. No, more like it struck me in the face. I hadn’t killed Koishii, or Ryoku. It had been Okibi. He had made it look like it was I who had killed them. He wanted me broken. I was a threat.
“You say that none shall be free under your leadership!” I cried. “You break them all. You destroy their souls and make them believe they are worthless, that you are the greatest wolf! You make them think they cannot oppose you!” My voice grew stronger. I spoke the truth. I felt all the broken wolves, the souls of the dead, behind me, feeding me with strength.
“They are not free? Is it not the very nature of a wolf to be free?” I lifted my tail high above my back. My whole body was rigid with fury and sorrow. “How can you justify this? But I know the truth now! I know what my purpose here is! I was not born to suffer. I will not let you take everything I cared about away from me!”
Their many cries of suffering and pain drew out in a single howl. Koishii’s empty body flinched.
The howling… he whispered. Saiai. What have you done?
“It is time you stepped down, Father. I know what my purpose is now. I am Saiai of the Blazing Sky and Fire. I command you to relinquish your leadership.”
Never, he snarled defiantly, but I knew he was weak. The souls were attacking him. They were fighting back, wave after wave. Feeding him the pain and agony he had given them, the feelings they had died with. I stood proudly, eyes narrowed, acting like I could kill him, but knowing it would be the souls that would do him in. Finally, Koishii’s red eyes looked up into mine.
The moon rose and fell. It took a few days, but it felt like no time had passed at all. And then, finally:
I submit.
I showed him mercy. Power thrilled through my veins, and I cried, I command you, Okibi, to become the god of shadows. You will live, but you will live to suffer until all is paid for the crimes you have committed and the wrongs you have done. Once your punishment has served its full course, then you will become nothing more than the shadows upon the ground. You will no longer live to break the wolves who come to you for mercy. You will hide them and protect them with the cover of darkness. You will always be present whether it be night or day. Now go. Do not come to me again until your lesson is learned, and if you lie, then your punishment will increase tenfold or I extinguish your life permanently. Are we clear?
Yes, he affirmed wearily. Koishii fell to the ground, and I walked over to his corpse, tears filling my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “This was my fault.”
No, he whispered, and I jumped. Although Koishii didn’t move, I heard his voice clearly. “Saiai. It was not your fault. And now…now I will run with you always. I wanted to tell you…I wanted to say…I love you. I want to run with you forever.”
I fell to the ground, pressing my nose into his still-warm fur, sobbing. “I want to be with you forever, too,” I wept, my frame shaking with the tears, the pain. “But we walk separate paths. I only watch over you after you’ve passed into my sky. We can’t…be together.”
“I know,” he whispered in reply. “I love you, Saiai.”
And then he was gone.
I lifted my head and howled, a long cry full of pain, anger and misery. A requiem of tears. Yet within its poignant song was hope, a prayer for all wolves. That they would all find their one true mate, that they would all be happy for their entire lives. When the howl finished itself, I sat in a long silence, a vigil for my lost Koishii.
And then I winked out of sight, taking my place in the fiery crown of the Sun. It was the place my father used to sit. Daichi greeted me there. She understood my reasons for overthrowing my father’s power. She sat beside me, and we looked down at the wolf spirits who were my pack. They all threw their maws back as one and howled, pledging their eternal souls to me. I had freed them.
I had become the goddess of Blazing Sky and Fire. I had found my purpose, through all the blood and tears and pain. Yet it had made me stronger. I would never have changed that time, as I have said before. It made me who I am, and I never wish to be known as Saiai the Sufferer again. Although it appears as though I've suffered, I haven't, not really.
Life is like that sometimes.
© Copyright 2008 Wolfcry-Sama (FictionPress ID:599918).
~~~
I am Saiai, goddess-wolf born of Daichi and Okibi. I am the Goddess-Upon-Land, the one who transcended upon the mortal earth. I lived and died for wolves who would never share the burden I carried.
I wouldn’t have changed a single heartbeat of that time.
When I was born, I was a child and an adult. I knew everything, yet nothing at all. I cried and laughed in the same moments. I was a monster, a freak, a being that should never have been born onto my mother’s earth. Yet I was alive, a true creature of flesh and blood and bone. I resembled my mother’s beauty, my father’s power. I had gifts unbeknownst to all before me, powers the like of which none had witnessed before. I was both wolf and human, shifting forms whenever it pleased me.
I was a being that only a mother could love.
Daichi did her best to shelter me in my first year of life. As all wolves do, I grew into adulthood fast. In my second year, I left her warmth and comfort, into the world lashed by my father’s fierce storms. He was angry because Daichi had born him a child he had not desired. He was angry because of me.
I chose to be isolated from wolf packs.
At first, my elder half-brother Kohaku—a hybrid of god and regular wolf blood, who had joined a pack of “outside” wolves—had tried to take me in. I’d sought his companionship at first, but I was unwanted. Kohaku did his best. He was a loving brother, one who was so kind to me despite the obvious hatred of his pack. Although I was far more beautiful than any she-wolf of the earth, all of the regular, or “outside” wolves sensed my power and resented me.
Before long, Kohaku challenged the alpha male. My brother was a kindly, peaceful wolf, although he was larger and stronger than any of the “outside” wolves. Yet he could no longer stand the cold treatment his leader gave me, and decided it best to remedy it by becoming the alpha. I stopped their fight. I knew, in the bottom of my heart, I had not been meant to live among them.
So I left. A loner.
I had not been loved, but the reason why escaped me. I was a supreme hunter. I bent the world to my will. I was stunningly good-looking. Still, male wolves kept their distance. I knew that I longed for a mate, and I knew I could create one if my desire was strong enough. I didn’t, however. It was not worth it, for even if I created a male wolf, he would never desire me. I would only appear selfish for creating him.
I punished myself. I walked alone. I hardly ever rested, and I refused to eat. I would not hunt. My fasting went on for almost a month when my beloved mother, Daichi of the Golden Earth and Ocean, came to walk beside me for a single full moon.
“Saiai,” she whispered, a deep, melodic voice that tugged at my heartstrings and filled my muscles, weakened by starvation, with strength from a reservoir I didn’t know I’d possessed. “My daughter. Why do you wish to die?”
“I am a monster. They all hate me. I am a goddess that cannot find the life she wishes.”
Daichi looked up at the moon, a thoughtful expression in her golden eyes. “I love you, and your father does as well, although he may not show it. I cannot stand passably as you fade away from being. I can curse you to an eternal life, like the one I have endured for centuries. Is that your wish?”
I lowered my head, flattening my ears. “Nothing could make me want to become immortal. Nothing in this whole world. I want to fade away, Mother. Let me go.”
“It is not your time yet. Okibi and I know this. Your time is coming, dear Saiai, and sooner than you think. But until then, you must live. You must be well.”
“How? When they all despise me so?” I implored her.
“Not all. There is one who is meant for you, Saiai.”
My father, Okibi of the Blazing Sky and Fire, is the great male god, the one every male wolf calls to in their times of need. He was the one who wanted me dead, the one who hadn’t intended for my birth. He had always feared I would overthrow him. Yet as my depression grew, crippling my heart and my will, he relented slightly. The storms stopped, and the sun began to warm the world. When you are sad, overwhelmed by sorrow, you no longer dreams. Dreams are power in this world. I can dream many things in and out of being. But if I cannot dream, then I cannot call myself a threat.
Okibi knew that. He let up, and the wolves on earth rejoiced.
Daichi left me after she’d made sure I had hunted and eaten like a proper wolf. The next morning, I threw back my head and let forth a long howl.
The wolves of the area knew it was me as soon as I’d let my cry go with the wind. Yet for some reason—some miracle—they responded. It was a young male, about three years old, who started the return call. Next was a she-wolf, around the same age as the male, and then the wavering call of the omega wolf. The alphas, male and female, let out a regal scale.
They wanted to meet with me.
I met with them.
The alpha female spoke first. She was a lovely amber wolf with pale green eyes and a sweet, soft voice. “I am Amaya,” she introduced herself. “You are Saiai, no?”
“I am Saiai.” My reply was curt. I wanted them to attack me and get on with their lives.
“The Goddess Upon Earth. I am deeply grateful you took the time to speak with us,” the male alpha replied. “My name is Ryoku. Amaya is my mate, and this is my son, Koishii.” The tall male wolf, the one who’d answered my howl first, bowed his head slightly, his eyes darting away as though he were embarrassed. He was quite handsome. Ryoku continued, introducing the young she-wolf Sora, who they’d found abandoned as a newborn. The omega was a thin, wiry black male with an extremely long, feathery tail called Teiru.
Amaya spoke then, once his introductions had come to a close. “Saiai. I wish to offer you a home, since you have none. I’ve known for a while about you, how you have no family here. Once I walked the same path you did—without the whole ‘goddess-upon-earth’ thing. But I know how it feels and I don’t want any wolf to ever—ever—feel that way. Not again.”
I lifted my tail slightly, trying not to raise it at to point that would appear threatening towards Ryoku and Amaya’s leadership. “Your heart is wounded still, Amaya.” My eyes drifted closed, my muscles falling slack. I couldn’t help but let my mind meld with hers, finding the old words that smoldered in her heart, the feeling of abandonment and pain.
She felt my presence immediately, but didn’t fight it like the others. “Yes, lady Saiai.” Her eyes closed and our two heartbeats beat as one. Overwhelming hatred and agony filled my mind. I soothed it with kinder words and forgiveness. Her mind cried out with fury; I stilled that rage and replaced it with relief.
Amaya’s mind slipped away, healed. Only the faintest of scars tainted her heart. She gave me a look full of gratitude, her eyes filling with tears. “My lady Saiai…”
I stood still, waving slightly on the spot, as my strength took a moment to return. My eyes were barely open, but I knew that the whole look pack was staring at me. It wasn’t a bad thing, however. They weren’t glaring or sneering. They were amazed, awed, grateful. I stood up straighter. “I apologize for the uncalled-for healing,” I said respectfully, fearing I’d crossed the line.
Amaya lowered her tail. “No, Saiai. That was the kindest thing any wolf has done for me, next to my meeting Ryoku.”
Koishii gave a grin, bearing his teeth at me in a kind way. “I am honored that you aided my mother.”
“I am honored you wish for me to join your pack,” I replied graciously, thanking my mother silently. She had been watching over me, after all.
The next day dawned gray, the air scenting of rain. I noticed Koishii had left; my mind swept over the area and picked up his heartbeat. He was hunting, most probably. I left him to it. Amaya and Ryoku were sleeping soundly. When I stood up, the omega’s head jerked upward, eyes flashing.
“Teiru,” I murmured, nodding my head.
“Lady Saiai,” he spat in return.
I raised my tail slightly. “That kind of honor is not necessary any longer, Teiru. I am just a wolf.”
“A deity. Why do you even bother here? What is your purpose?”
My eyes widened with his last words. They echoed in my mind, scalding hot as they seared through my defenses. What was my purpose? Here, in this mortal world, I was out of place. I’d finally found a home, but not a reason for living. Why? Why was I here, why was I alive? Why did Daichi insist on my staying here? She said that my time was approaching soon, but why couldn’t it be now, as I had no use to this world?
My lips curled back, my maw wrinkling. I turned on the omega wolf. “You are a weakling of this pack, of any pack, and I command you as a Goddess to never speak that way to me again!” His tail went between his legs, his ears pinned back in submission. “I could extinguish your life for your words. I could kill you—right here, right now—and you wouldn’t be able to cry out. Who do you think you are? I am above you. Do not ask me where my place is in this world when you don’t have one high enough to command my actions.”
I turned and stalked away, my pelt burning with anger. Yet the anger was shadowed by another emotion: fear. I was scared…hell, I was terrified. What was I supposed to do here? What was my reason for being alive, when my father hated me and wolves resented me so plainly?
I hadn’t realized I’d gone so far that I’d encroached upon Koishii. He startled me. “Lady Saiai? Good morning.”
I jumped slightly, but recovered myself. “Good morning,” I replied.
“Sorry if I scared you,” he apologized.
Despite myself, I laughed. “Scared? A god?” I replied, lifting my muzzle jauntily and wagging my tail. He caught on quickly and went along with the joke.
“My apologies. I did not realize gods were so fearless,” he laughed in return. “And although you have no reason to fear most wolves, I am the only wolf you should be frightened of.”
“And why is that?”
He rose on his back paws and cuffed at my shoulder. I ducked away, spinning slightly on the wet grass. Koishii was still laughing, panting for breath as he kept attempting to pin me to the ground. “I eat gods for breakfast!” he declared, jumping. I rose to meet him, and for a breathless moment we stared into each other’s eyes; his brown ones locked on mine.
Immediately, we looked away. Wolves do not look directly into the eyes of another to avoid raising the other’s anger. It is seen as a challenge. Yet that one heartbeat held no hostility, no anger or fear. It held something else, an emotion I’ve never had before. I think…no. I know that I felt love then.
I was embarrassed about how I knew I felt toward Koishii, but I couldn’t help but look back at him. He really was a handsome creature, with his brown-gold eyes sparkling in the growing sunlight and slender ears perked forward with mild interest to the rustling leaves around us. His back and sloping forehead were covered with dark gray fur, the rest of his pelt pure white, and his long, feathered white tail hung, perfectly relaxed, by his strong back legs. We stood together, in perfect silence, enjoying each other’s company.
Abruptly, Koishii spoke. “Lady Saiai?”
“Just Saiai. Nothing else. What is it?”
He looked away. “Nothing.”
“No,” I persisted. I wanted to know what it was he had to say.
He lifted his maw, and the watery sunlight illuminated the hairs upon it with silver. “I cannot speak of it, because it would not be right. My apologies that I brought it up.”
“You’re being so formal. Didn’t I warn you about that?”
He allowed himself a small smile. “You did. Sorry, L—Saiai.”
I laughed gently, my tail waving back and forth with the breeze. “Please tell me, or I’ll command you to speak what’s on your mind. You may eat gods for breakfast, but this god bites back.”
Koishii closed his eyes tightly. “Your father, Lord Okibi, would not like it.”
“Like I care. He doesn’t even like me.”
“Fine.” He sighed, steadying himself, and I began to grow concerned. What was it? What did he want to say? “Saiai…I…um. Saiai, you’re really…pretty?” It was like he was grasping for words, like he was terrified to actually speak his mind.
I didn’t push him. The words would come out on their own. “You think so?” I replied, trying to sound easygoing. He thinks I’m pretty? But that’s only because I’m a goddess, right?
“Heh,” he laughed, but it sounded strangled. “Yes, I do,” he told me, his voice firm. Koishii narrowed his eyes, looking directly at me. I met his gaze without fear. Within me, there was the strength to look into his eyes without flinching and reply, “Thank you.”
He opened his maw as if to say more, and I stretched my own muzzle forward, wanting him to speak. Desperately wanting him to say the words I’d wanted to hear for so long. He was cut off by a snarl. We looked around to see Ryoku standing at the clearing’s edge, hackles raised. “Lady Saiai?” he greeted me. He sounded like he was making sure I was intact. Then he turned on his son. “Step back,” he warned Koishii. “Don’t approach a goddess so casually. You haven’t the right to do so.”
Something had changed inside of me. I stepped forward, hackling. “Yes he does. I have no problem with it.” Before I’d met Koishii, I’d never have been so bold as to challenge an alpha. Ryoku immediately saw this as a threat. He jumped, grasping the fur of my throat and throwing me to the ground. I retaliated by sinking my teeth into his left ear, which was closest. My refusal to submit enraged Ryoku, and he bit hard enough for blood to stain my white fur.
He gave a furious cry of pain, falling back. He burned wherever my blood had spattered upon him. Koishii ran forward, his eyes wide with horror. “Ryoku,” he gasped. “Father!”
Ryoku stumbled backward, trying to get away, before he caught his balance. “You call yourself a god, but who are you, Saiai? If your mother is Daichi of the Golden Earth and Ocean, and your father is Okibi of the Blazing Sky and Fire, then who are you? Or are you nothing more than their wandering daughter Saiai?”
The familiar rage woke within me. With all my heart, I wished for Ryoku to swallow his words, to feel the hatred he’d woven within them, feel them burn in his stomach and cry out for my mercy. The alpha made a choking noise. Suddenly he was on the ground, gasping for air but finding none. He couldn’t breathe, but I could plainly hear his mental cries.
I was shaking. My eyes were wide with the realization of what I’d just done to an innocent wolf. I began to back away, my eyes still large with terror and horror. Before I knew what I was doing, I threw my head back and let out a horrible, heartrending howl, one that chilled the blood and halted birds midflight. I knew this because when it ended, I saw the birds around me, fallen from the sky, necks broken.
The tiny, feathered bodies almost formed a circle around Koishii, who stood there, stunned, by the corpse of his father. His thoughts were completely still. He was breathing fast, rhythmically, his pulse pounding far faster than should be possible. Koishii should have been dead.
He was alive.
He turned to me, his red eyes glaring with the heat of agony. I almost stopped breathing because of the intensity of his pain. And then it hit me; his eyes. They were red. They were glowing like live coals.
“Ko-Koishii?” I asked nervously.
Look what you’ve done now, Saiai. Look what you’ve done.
“What?”
Koishii’s mouth never moved. He’s dead, Saiai. He’s mine to command now. Under my leadership, none shall be free. The wolf you loved is within my pack now, and he died with hatred in his heart. He will eternally remember the goddess who he loved more than life. He will remember how you killed him and his father. He will remember how you destroyed his life when he only wanted to be a part of yours. So look, Saiai, and look well. Look at what you’ve done.
“No,” I whispered, my voice breaking. I’d killed both Ryoku and Koishii. Ryoku had adopted me, given me a home for the first time in my life. His mate cared for my wellbeing. Koishii—Koishii had loved me, and I him, and it was all gone now.
I stared at what I’d done, my entire body numb as it shook uncontrollably.
“You’re speaking to me now, Father?” I asked, and Okibi didn’t need to reply. I knew it was him.
You poor she-wolf. So much grief in your heart. Festering and overwhelming. Too bad you snapped at the wrong alpha wolf. Koishii’s lips twitched into a cold smile. But I’d never wanted you anyway, Saiai. So I made you suffer. You were born to suffer. I understand you’ve been searching for a purpose?
My purpose, my reason for living, was to suffer? I hadn’t had a say in my birth, and if I could have controlled it I would have. I would never have been born. It was my father’s fault! He was angry because I was born, which was understandable, but he should never been angry at me!
And then it hit me. No, more like it struck me in the face. I hadn’t killed Koishii, or Ryoku. It had been Okibi. He had made it look like it was I who had killed them. He wanted me broken. I was a threat.
“You say that none shall be free under your leadership!” I cried. “You break them all. You destroy their souls and make them believe they are worthless, that you are the greatest wolf! You make them think they cannot oppose you!” My voice grew stronger. I spoke the truth. I felt all the broken wolves, the souls of the dead, behind me, feeding me with strength.
“They are not free? Is it not the very nature of a wolf to be free?” I lifted my tail high above my back. My whole body was rigid with fury and sorrow. “How can you justify this? But I know the truth now! I know what my purpose here is! I was not born to suffer. I will not let you take everything I cared about away from me!”
Their many cries of suffering and pain drew out in a single howl. Koishii’s empty body flinched.
The howling… he whispered. Saiai. What have you done?
“It is time you stepped down, Father. I know what my purpose is now. I am Saiai of the Blazing Sky and Fire. I command you to relinquish your leadership.”
Never, he snarled defiantly, but I knew he was weak. The souls were attacking him. They were fighting back, wave after wave. Feeding him the pain and agony he had given them, the feelings they had died with. I stood proudly, eyes narrowed, acting like I could kill him, but knowing it would be the souls that would do him in. Finally, Koishii’s red eyes looked up into mine.
The moon rose and fell. It took a few days, but it felt like no time had passed at all. And then, finally:
I submit.
I showed him mercy. Power thrilled through my veins, and I cried, I command you, Okibi, to become the god of shadows. You will live, but you will live to suffer until all is paid for the crimes you have committed and the wrongs you have done. Once your punishment has served its full course, then you will become nothing more than the shadows upon the ground. You will no longer live to break the wolves who come to you for mercy. You will hide them and protect them with the cover of darkness. You will always be present whether it be night or day. Now go. Do not come to me again until your lesson is learned, and if you lie, then your punishment will increase tenfold or I extinguish your life permanently. Are we clear?
Yes, he affirmed wearily. Koishii fell to the ground, and I walked over to his corpse, tears filling my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “This was my fault.”
No, he whispered, and I jumped. Although Koishii didn’t move, I heard his voice clearly. “Saiai. It was not your fault. And now…now I will run with you always. I wanted to tell you…I wanted to say…I love you. I want to run with you forever.”
I fell to the ground, pressing my nose into his still-warm fur, sobbing. “I want to be with you forever, too,” I wept, my frame shaking with the tears, the pain. “But we walk separate paths. I only watch over you after you’ve passed into my sky. We can’t…be together.”
“I know,” he whispered in reply. “I love you, Saiai.”
And then he was gone.
I lifted my head and howled, a long cry full of pain, anger and misery. A requiem of tears. Yet within its poignant song was hope, a prayer for all wolves. That they would all find their one true mate, that they would all be happy for their entire lives. When the howl finished itself, I sat in a long silence, a vigil for my lost Koishii.
And then I winked out of sight, taking my place in the fiery crown of the Sun. It was the place my father used to sit. Daichi greeted me there. She understood my reasons for overthrowing my father’s power. She sat beside me, and we looked down at the wolf spirits who were my pack. They all threw their maws back as one and howled, pledging their eternal souls to me. I had freed them.
I had become the goddess of Blazing Sky and Fire. I had found my purpose, through all the blood and tears and pain. Yet it had made me stronger. I would never have changed that time, as I have said before. It made me who I am, and I never wish to be known as Saiai the Sufferer again. Although it appears as though I've suffered, I haven't, not really.
Life is like that sometimes.
© Copyright 2008 Wolfcry-Sama (FictionPress ID:599918).
